I will QVC sell you an Opera

by


My lovers 

My friends

whose love-tipped tentacles reach 

far and wide.

 

Girl, how you.

I don’t even know where to start.

If you were in front of me I’d kiss your face and tell you how cute your new haircut looks.

I haven’t seen you since LIKE, JULY.

I’d show you the inch-worm wrinkle that magically popped up between my eyes

the DAY I turned 36, a week ago

and maybe you would be so kind as to tell me

“Oh you REALLY don’t  notice it unless you’re looking DIRECTLY at your face so..”


I’d give you some novelty socks I’ve been holding on to for you a month

to give you when I saw you next

with fishing centaurs on them. (? seems poetical ?) and then, 

(and then)

 

OK But we have to sit down first, 

which you are likely already doing.

 

I look into your face (ok) and say

 

HONEY. holy crap.

We’re doing it. I said 5 years ago I was gonna do it,

and we’re doing it.

 

My Show.

Is Happening.

 

(even typing that gives me a nervous burp)

 

I have been concocting this show for the last five years.

It is a musical treatise on the soul.

It is a ritual song cycle offering for the people and ideals and pieces of myself that have up and died on me, that I want to turn into 

A ritual song cycle offering for the people and ideals and pieces of yourself that up and died on YOU.

It is a Requiem mass in vulgar terms,

it is the closest thing to a mission statement for my life that I can get at.

I wanna talk to your spirit. 

There’s no cute way to put that.

 

so, YES. 

PLEASE COME SEE IT WHEN IT OPENS 

(click that for tickets)

 



But Today, rather than a plea to put your butt in a seat, I am writing a plea to clothe and feed the butts currently laboring in love to make it happen in the first place.  I am fundraising stipends to pay my collaborators.

And thus starts:


THIS MONTH LONG ROLLERCOASTER OF SELLING MYSELF.

you could click here.

 

ok. You know this kind of shit makes me uncomfortable so Imma wrap it in a CUTE FRAME. Here we go. This will be the weirdest QVC ad of your life. 

strap in.

 

WANTED:

YOUR MONEY,

in exchange for weekly ever-changing perks

of everything I can think of.   

 

 

This weeks LAUNCH features the fundraising basics. Bandanas, Special Thanks, Cast Recordings and Tickets. Today I’m wearing two of our hottest items up for sale, which 


(picture me in a matching cardigan set with hot rolled hair. I had my teeth whitened for today’s segment, did you notice OH GOOD) 

 

you can purchase this week only! You ready, Shoppers??


(I have practiced that hair flip I just did in the mirror for two weeks.)


here we go!


 

CATCH OF THE WEEK:


Viewers. Because I am insane and like to stud my dirty laundry with rhinestones and hang it in your living room, EVERY WEEK I will be releasing an orphan demo from the show that ended up on the cutting room floor. This is a small collection of 4 songs I LOVE, that will otherwise never see the light of day. Collect them like toys in a post-modern happy meal. THIS WEEKS CATCH is called “Follow it Down” and is a little ditty about migraines and dream dog visitations in 6/8. Get it while supplies last! (Manicure shot again)

 

THE PEGGY GUGGENHEIM GALA INVITE SPECIAL


Come to an early bird special show and imbibe, vibe, and diatribe in style. This item is called “the Peggy Guggenheim”.

(Look at my earrings— Ok they are box cut zirconia made to look like panda faces— oh you love them.)

Art Donors and Philanthropists know how to party. First, the art, a first look, by invitation only. You special, tonight. You start drinking while I take my face of and put on a caftan. Maybe you wear yours too? You and me and the crew and the band will toast ourselves on the roof of the Bushwick Starr by moonlight in this exclusive party made just for you. Me and Sasha will sing you three of our favorite songs unplugged by candlelight.

And THIS WEEK ONLY if you toss in an extra 50 bucks,

I’ll take you into a corner and read your tarot.

Careful shoppers,  this one expires.

 

 

You enticed? 

You wanna shop?

You wanna shop IN KNOWLEGE THAT EVERYTHING YOU CONTRIBUTE GOES STRAIGHT INTO THE POCKET OF A MUSICIAN OR A VOCALIST who has, up until this point, DONATED their time? 

 

 

GO HERE.

 

And if you can’t give via moola, 

How bout you give via vibes?

Cause girl I am exhilerated and terrified and excited and proud and living with a bloodstream full of carbonated water and wrecking ball brain.

I wanna blow your barn doors off.

 

Come at me, my love.

 

 

Forever in my heart:


H.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Addendum:

 

How bout some more clickies for some meantime life living/ attention giving? 

You wanna see some other performance work that I get behind, made by my BADASS friends and colleagues?

GO SEE THIS:



#americanAF is a three week festival September 21 thro October 7with a nightly multi-act bill of short films, plays, panels, music, visual art, and discussion, producing 30 PLUS !!! black, brown, LGBTQ, and differently-abled artists whose work serves as witness-baring to this vicious and incredibly alive moment in our history. 

 

this urgently pop-up event will be a recalibration and recentering of American identity, to speak from a place that is fluid, diverse, inclusive, pioneering, intelligent, and relentlessly reinventing itself in the name of equality and justice.

 

You in the mood for some art house cinema of the beautifully uncomfortable while you wait for your dinner to be delivered? OR. Wanna see a movie I scored? 

GO SEE THIS:

 

Lemon was made by my BRILLIANT friend, Janicza Bravo, and was co-written and stars Brett Gelman. This is her current magnum opus and I am very excited that YOU CAN SEE IT NOW. Here’s the blurb:


After Isaac’s blind girlfriend walks out on him, his life goes into free fall, and he directs an unhinged staging of Chekhov’s “The Seagull,” attends the Passover Seder from hell, and attempts to woo a new flame.

 



You wanna listen to some music and think about it?


THATS COOL TOO GIRL.

The Arbornauts love you:

www.heatherchristian.com

www.heatherchristian.bandcamp.com

@hcarbornauts (on twitter and instagram)